September is my favorite month of the year for a few reasons: my birthday, the beginning of autumn and the fall fashion issues. When I graduated I let all my magazine subscriptions expire (except Esquire). All summer I’ve diligently trudged to Target — there’s not a bookstore in my hometown — and purchased the latest issues. I always buy Vogue, and occasionally pick up some other favorites like InStyle, Elle, Harper’s Bazaar, Real Simple, Rolling Stone and Vanity Fair.
This month I got them all.
Since my platonic life partner and fellow neurotic magazine collector, Mr. Adam Griffiths, is in D.C., we’ve been forced to critically examine and dissect the September issues through texting, Facebook, Gmail and constant late night phone calls.
The following is a sampling of our witty banter on all the September issues (or at least the ones that matter). If you’re not fond of Anna Wintour, hot pink fur shoes or Marc Jacob’s ass, this will not entertain you.
Brittany: Is Vogue out yet?
Brittany: God damn it!
Adam: It’s not even the 15th!
Adam’s Facebook status: Adam Griffiths wants his September Vogue now. Really, I think it may be the last of my fall issues to arrive.
Brittany: God damn it Vogue still isn’t out!
Brittany: My thoughts exactly.
EARLY FRIDAY AFTERNOON
Adam: I only have half my September issues and my stack’s already four inches thick. Loves it. I never understand why the men’s magazines are never that much thicker.
Brittany: Did you get Vogue?
Brittany: Fucking hell Anna Wintour.
Brittany: God, half the articles in Bazaar are pointless. Who the fuck cares about a senator’s wronged wife or if nipples are in?
Adam: People love that senator’s wife though.
Brittany: It was just so predictable. And so was the Lebron story. Yawn.
Adam: Haha. What would be your ideal September issue?
Brittany: Gaga, Lagerfeld, Carla Sarkozy, an homage to YSL’s le smoking and a fashion spread channeling Hemmingway and Fitzgerald’s Paris.
Adam: Good luck.
2:20 P.M. FRIDAY
Brittany: Vogue. Is. Out.
Adam: I’ll have to run over to Barnes & Noble and see it. Hopefully it’s out.
Brittany: And I just saw the Rolling Stone True Blood cover. Why didn’t you tell me!? Is it out?
How big is your stack?
Adam: I did tell you!
Brittany: No you said, “Did you see Rolling Stone?” That was it. Luckily I found a copy.
Adam: InStyle’s out too. Hilary Swank. Blah.
Brittany: I bought it.
Adam: I bought Real Simple. Loves it.
Brittany: Me too.
3:14 PM FRIDAY
Adam: Oh and that True Blood cover could’ve been so much better. I mean hell, it’s obvious they used chocolate syrup for blood. And why did they shoot that in a studio? Why not put them in the woods or on set or something. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE it.
Brittany: Bitch please. You would never see those Twilight pussies naked, covered in blood on Rolling Stone.
Adam: Well, no, because Twilight is a PG-rated movie and True Blood is a NC17-rated HBO series.
Brittany: Are you dying over the ass shot of Marc Jacob’s in Bazaar? And those ridiculous hot pink fur shoes come in black. Just saying.
Adam: The new W is basically the old W bred with Interview and a dash of European fashion book attitude. And yes (in regards to Marc’s ass shot). New York’s fall fashion issue is good too.
Brittany: I didn’t know New York did a fall fashion issue.
Adam: Yup. Katie Holmes is cover, 20 pages of fashion’s faces, Johnny Weir and more. And my Vogue still isn’t here.
Brittany: (In regards to sexy True Blood Rolling Stone cover) I just want to lick the corn syrup off Alexander Skarsgård’s naked body. Seriously, I’d wear him like a scrunchie.
Adam: I’m already doing so, sorry.
Brittany: Licking him?
**Adam’s next text was way too dirty for my blog so you’ll have to use your imagination.**
Brittany: Okay we are so not at that level where we can dirty sex text about the same guy simultaneously.
Adam: Lol. I can’t wait till it happens.
Brittany: It will never happen unless we’re both high and drunk.
LATE FRIDAY NIGHT
Adam: W was JFK Jr.’s magazine right?
Brittany: (with disdain in her text) Umm no that was George magazine which combined politics and celebrity.
Adam: Ah yes.
Brittany: Can’t believe that useless bitch Kate Bosworth is dating Alexander Skarsgård.
Adam: What! Let’s assassinate a ho.
Adam: I have to hate on W though for not including Carey Mulligan in their new Hollywood it girls feature. I mean, none of these other girls have gotten Oscar nominations. Maybe she’s too experienced for this article already.
Brittany: Of course he doesn’t wear a sock in his naked scenes. Typical Swede.
Adam: Typical stunna stunna 8×6. And that’s not his portrait size if you know what I’m saying.
Adam: I just added all these gays from W’s London scene article on Facebook. Loves it.
Adam: You should do a he said/she said blog post about all of them. It can become a regular feature on those things that are the deep ties that bind us.
Brittany: The only thing that binds us is an unhealthy codependence.
Adam: (doing an example rating) Rolling Stone — she said: “Dies,” he said: “Chocolate syrup,” and not before our awkward threesome.
COMING UP NEXT – The ratings are in. And if you thought Brad and Rachel were harsh on Tay Tay, Adam’s still waiting for his Vogue. That’s harsh.