Those who know me know I love a good gay bar. It’s just one of the many qualities fag hags possess. Last year I spent my New Year’s Eve at Axis in the Short North. I had a rollicking good time, but this year I decided I needed to do something unheard of for me: go to a straight club. Well, more like my friend decided for me when she said she wouldn’t go to a gay bar. But I digress. I go to bars all the time, but I’ve only been to straight clubs three times. It’s just not my style. But I put my qualms aside and went to Sugar. (My gay brother likes to refer to it as booger.) Although the night started slow, by the end I was loving it. As I was dancing to some rap song I didn’t know, I began to make a pro and con list in my head for straight clubs and gay clubs. Like you don’t do this.
Straight club pro: The guys are straight.
Straight club con: Half the guys are creepers, the other half are there with their girlfriends.
Gay club pro: All the guys tell me I’m fabulous.
Gay club con: All the guys tell me I look like Jordin Sparks.
Straight club pro: More beer choices.
Gay club pro: Better mixed drinks. Those gays make a mean Sex on the Beach.
Straight club con: Overpriced drinks. $40 at Adam’s Street in Akron would have gotten me buzzed. $40 at Sugar left me sober and bitter.
Gay club pro: More Lady Gaga, Britney, and Madonna.
Straight club pro: No techno.
Straight club pro: If you run your hands through your hair and shake your ass enough, any guy will dance with you.
Gay club con: If you do the same thing at a gay club, guys will walk past you to talk to your hot single male friend.
Straight club pro: You can go with your girlfriends and have fun.
Gay club con: If you go with your girlfriend, people think she’s your girlfriend.
Who knows, maybe I’ll go to some straight clubs when I get back to school. I think there’s one not far from the Interbelt , a delightfully tacky and unrefined gay bar in Akron. At least I know where all the straight boys are hiding now.