Are you ready?
Online dating still sucks.
Oh, you already knew that? Silly me thought it would be a smidgen less awful the second time around, but nope—still 99 percent terrible. About a year ago I wrote the first “How not to suck at online dating” post. However, since the majority of the men online didn’t take the time to read my very informative and not at all snarky list of suggestions, I’m writing a second one. (I’ll also take any excuse to use a Ryan Gosling “Hey girl” meme.)
1. Enough with the fish already!
Guys on dating sites, specifically Tinder, love to pose with fish in their profile pictures. At first I thought it was just me, an Internet fish fluke. But after talking to my friends (and stumbling across this brilliant Tumblr), I now know I’m not alone. I’m still not sure why this is the photo op that so many guys are choosing. Is there a poll out there that surveyed a group of women who all said they love men holding giant, dead fish? Who are these women?
2. Write something. Anything.
I’m baffled by the number of guys who don’t write one single thing in the space they’re given to write something about themselves. There’s nothing wrong with being confident in your looks, but how am I supposed to choose my future Mr. Wrong if you don’t tell me anything about yourself? Are you Team Katy or Team Taylor? Do you eat meat? Have you read a book recently? All very important things that I’ll never glean from a photo alone. Unless of course you’re wearing a Taylor Swift T-shirt in your first photo, eating a steak in your second photo and holding Wuthering Heights in your third. If that’s the case… Sup? ;)
3. But do try to write something interesting.
Oh, you love your family, hanging out with your friends, living life and the Cleveland Cavaliers and hate drama? To quote Miranda Priestly, “Groundbreaking.” The first guy I see who says he hates his family and friends and thinks LeBron is overrated is getting a right swipe purely for the sake of being different.
4. Put on a goddamn shirt.
I’m sure your abs are great, but there is no way to post a shirtless selfie without looking like a total cheeseball. The only thing worse than a shirtless selfie is holding a fish in said shirtless selfie.
5. Say something or get offline.
The supposed plus of dating apps like Tinder and Hinge is they only match you with people who you like and like you. You would think this would make people more likely to communicate with matches, but nope. I have no problem being the first to message every once in a while, but to be the first one to message every time? No thank you. And then to message and not get a response? WHAT IS THE POINT OF “LIKING” ME THEN?! Boys who like you but don’t message you are proof the terrorists have won.
6. Tinderella is not a real person.
The first time I saw “Looking for my Tinderella” in a profile, I figure I had just stumbled across a jabroni. Then I saw it again… and again. That’s when I realized, “Oh shit, guys actually think ‘Tinderella’ is clever.” Have these guys forgotten the story of Cinderella? Let me refresh their memory: orphaned, raised by a total bitch, tortured by her stepsisters and left with no other friends than some surprisingly well-fed house mice. Then she finally gets a night out, but has to be home by curfew. And on top of that, she loses a shoe! Sure, she gets the guy and the kingdom that comes with it, but anyone who thinks it ended happily ever after is kidding himself. The girl spent her life being made to feel like shit with only mice to talk to. Do you really think she just figured out the whole “being a princess” business overnight? But hey, if that’s who you’re looking for, then mazel tov. I just hope you have room at your place for all the baggage your Tinderella is about to bring with her.